You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up!

Whether you've practiced for 15 days or 15 years, you've undoubtedly heard some real doozies. Over the past four decades, patient antics and actions have consistently amused me. I knew I was not the only hygienist on the planet who had amusing stories. So I called upon the collective wisdom of the COHA Facebook Community, an online, members-only group of dental hygienists supported by Colgate. These dedicated clinicians are a gold mine of quirky stories that will instantly give every reader a big belly laugh, nature's natural stress reducer. As predicted, the contributions included funny encounters, stunning revelations, amazing behaviors, bizarre antidotes, and a few vignettes tinged with sadness. New York-based Melissa recounted an interesting new patient, a woman in her late 70s or early 80s. The patient arrived for the appointment with Kool-Aid-red hair and all dressed up in a fake fur coat. During the taking of X-rays, the patient complained of an odd taste in her mouth.

Melissa noticed white stuff flaking off the woman's teeth. The patient's response was priceless: "Well, that's just what happens to the Wite-Out after a while!" Apparently, the woman had been painting her teeth with typewriter correction fluid twice a day for years. To this day, Melissa still wonders about the woman's curious taste in hair and clothing, not to mention her attempts to have white teeth. Andrea's patient painted her front teeth with clear fingernail polish to "make them look shiny." The patient couldn't understand why it was not professionally recommended. When do you say enough is enough - and fire a dental patient, Jenni's patient tried removing stains from her teeth by brushing with charcoal, a remedy recommended by the woman's sister. The lady found it messy to break the charcoal tablets to release the powder and didn't use the charcoal often enough to notice any difference. Song's patient found a less messy plan.

She uses Mr. Clean Magic Erasers to buff out stains on her crowns. Red wine drinkers love the beverage, but hate the stains. Before you send a nasty email to Dr. Oz about the acidity of lemon juice and its effect on tooth structure, reflect back on basic chemistry. Baking soda is a strong alkali. Mixing equal parts of juice and baking soda creates a slurry that tests out at pH 8.5, so no harm to teeth with this kind of formulation. When it comes to "killing germs," people are all over the map. Since this is not a paper on why wiping all microorganisms off the planet is a bad plan (and how homeostasis is the key), enjoy how some patients plan to kill germs. Theresa, a Mississippi hygienist, has a patient who swishes every day with half of a shot glass of whiskey and has not had a cavity in 25 years.

The clinical exam revealed decay-free dentition. According to Theresa, there is a loose end to this story. Inquiring minds want to know the final outcome. Did he spit the whiskey out, or swallow his daily dose of disinfectant, Stacy from Utah had a patient who swished with vinegar every day to disinfect his mouth. The end result was that his teeth were very small and eroded. Pat had a patient who developed a minor gum irritation. He opted to treat the soreness by rinsing with Listerine seven times a day, giving himself a severe chemical burn throughout the entire inside of his mouth. Malinda's patient worked in a Maryland seafood takeout restaurant. The kitchen was unbearably hot. In a feeble attempt to stay comfortable, Malinda's patient sucked on cold lemon wedges throughout the day. Eventually her teeth were so eroded that there was no prep needed when she got six maxillary anterior veneers.

Christina, a veteran hygienist in Kentucky, had a male patient who was totally focused on keeping his weight under control. He was convinced that straight apple cider vinegar shots helped him reach his goal. He also had a large anterior bridge. Do you see any connection, Speaking of seeing, the first time Dawn saw one young man, she was puzzled. His teeth looked like glass. Within the first few minutes, she had the answer. This Texas boy was drinking a dozen or more diet colas a day. Obviously his approach to weight control was different than Christina's patient. Paige's patient had severe occlusal wear from gnawing on chicken bones. Lainey's patient had extensive decay, but didn't believe in fluoride. His solution was to add crushed eggshells to his smoothies to strengthen his teeth. Deborah's patient in Nevada found a simple solution on the Internet to prevent decay and strengthen enamel -- coconut oil. Just when Teddy thought she had heard it all, Mr. All-Natural walked into her New Jersey office, complaining of mouth sores.